I thought that time was supposed to heal all wounds??!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so thankful every year when November 9th comes and goes like any other day.

But why is it that shortly after that day something happens and it forces me to think about THAT day? It ends up hitting me like a ton of bricks in the worst way.

I was at one of my doctor's that I hadn't been to in a while. So when I got there they had to update all of their info on me and ask me a ton of questions. I'm SUCH a chit chatty person, so I don't mind. The nurse at the Intake room was so fun, nice and sweet and answering her questions was just like talking to one of my friends. She asked me the "typical" questions like, "Do you take any medications regularly?", and worked her way to "Family History". I had such a fun time talking to her until she asked me, "Do you have any history of breast, ovarian, cervical, or uterine cancer?"... I answered, "Yes, my mother.......ummmm......Breast cancer.".......She asked me, "Oh, How's she doing?"........By this time I was beet red with raspberries all over my chest, which was CLEARLY VISIBLE as I was wearing a v-neck shirt and I was shaking and breathing oddly like I was going to pass out....I felt my head get tingly and I felt numb...........(I'm getting raspberries and breathing heavy as I'm typing this too...ugh).......And as she stared at me I mustered the words, "Uh....She's gone......She passed, uh...... Nov. 9th, ooooooffffffffffff...... 2001, yea.....2001".........She looked at me with a sad face, apologized, said "awwwwwww" and proceeded to take my blood pressure which was a tad high at 126/80.........and then said, "hmmmmmm your blood pressure is a little high"........yea NO KIDDING.....lol

Anyways, it still hadn't occurred to me that day had already passed.......

Afterwards, I was driving to the grocery store, rockin out to my iPod on "shuffle".....It was quite odd that it was playing a lot of "Jesus Jams" (as my 7 year old calls them...lol)......(Considering the fact that it has over 600 songs on it and only maybe 50 Christian songs).............and I felt the strong urge to call my mother and tell her about what had happened at the doctor's and ask her about Thanksgiving.......But then it HIT me......clear out the blue.......and I felt my heart crush.......NO I felt like it had been smashed into a bazillion pieces.......I couldn't seem to focus on anything.......and I felt light I was floating.....like I wasn't even "there"........BUT then I calmed down......very oddly I FORGOT about it again.....

Then the next morning, I was reading a friend's FB status...... "I am very thankful for my mother who is always there for me no matter what......I love her.....".........OK fine.....I was smiling for her.....because our mother's were friends and we knew each other well....... Then I read a follow-up comment that said something like, "Isn't is great that as we get older we become closer to our mothers."........OK now that hit me and I became very somber, thinking about .....What could have been.......What was.......What never was.....and What will never be........I feel like I was flippin cheated out of a wonderful relationship with my mother.......We didn't really get along all of my teenage years at all........We fought a lot......We were like 2 cooks in a kitchen.......2 girls at a party wearing the same dress....lol........But yet my heart was crushing.......There are MANY MANY MANY times in which I feel the urge to call her, then I realize I can't........ Some days I even have this REAL thought in my head of how I want to meet up with her......My brain tricks me into thinking it's REALLY going to happen.....and I mean I feel her presence and I feel like she is SOOOOOOO ALIVE and then all of a sudden, it hits me.....BOOM...........I know that if she were alive today we would be THE BEST OF FRIENDS........I just know it.......Now that I'm a mother, I am able to fully understand her feelings and struggles.......So there's no doubt in my mind that we would be inseparable...

I talk to her often......and this may sound strange, but I "hear and feel" her talking back to me......What I mean is that I know how she would most likely respond to things.......and I know the faces she would make.....The way she would talk with a super tiny lisp.....I even "feel and smell" her and her hugs sometimes too........ Is that crazy?? Is it wishful thinking???

I can't seem to get past my feelings and just "let go".......Maybe it's because some days I DO NOT ACCEPT the fact that my mother is gone!!!!!!! Why did she have to go when I need her..... Why did God take her??!!! But then I think of all the ways my life has been blessed, and I tell myself that she left her earthly body because her work here was done.......She has a much bigger job to do in heaven. And boy has she done such a beautiful job. I'll be honest with you....I don't feel like that EVERY DAY.......I have my moments...... Maybe it hits me like a ton of bricks because on days that I'm not appreciative of who and what I have in life, she wants to remind me just how blessed my life is......So it hits me, my cycle of thinking runs its' course and then I feel peaceful.

I find it so odd that I can talk about all of this so freely on my blog for the whole world to see, but I can't seem to muster up the courage or not draw a blank when it comes to telling my friends, my family or my husband......In fact, I don't want ANYONE to ever ask me for my feelings about her......I feel like they are so personal and private and ALL MINE........

And I HATE when people give me pictures of her with NO HAIR!!!! Throw them away people.....Don't show them to me!!!! .......I DO NOT want them!!! Why do I want to remember her being sick?? And NO do NOT ask me if I want to,... or...... why I don't do the breast cancer walk....Or wear breast cancer memorabilia....Or want to support research.....I want NOTHING to do with any of that......I'm not "there" yet.......and I'm not ready to be "there" yet........I mean I get anxiety from just seeing someone with cancer......

So,......In the long run.....Time has not healed my wounds......Not one TINY bit......Time makes me bitter......Angry.......Sad.......Cold......Lonely.........I feel like all this "time" could have been spent WITH her........So the heck with "time"

The ONLY thing that is "covering" my wounds......(not healing)......Is knowing that she is in heaven, pain free, happy, healthy, beautiful, and watching over my family and I......

Wow this was a long one......Yet very therapeutic :0) .......It took me over 3 hours to write all of this.....I don't expect you all to understand my way of thinking......Or for any of this to make any sense.......It was so hard and easy to get all of this out.......I NEEDED to get this out.........Now I feel at peace...... :0)

I hope everyone has a great day!!